My mother has always broadcast her belief in arranged marriage, which used to horrify the teenage me, brain liquidized into romantic soup by over consumption of Jackie magazine (‘Red was a loner…’).
Now I’m a mother myself, I entirely agree with her. Especially as when I asked her who she would have chosen from my slideshow of boyfriends she came right out with a very impressive answer. Didn’t pause for a second – and that was a fling that happened in about 1981.
My husband has a simpler solution, he’s going to stand outside the front door with a gun, lest a youth resembling any aspect of Frankie Cocozza ventures near our precious babe, now aged ten. Needless to say, she loved the tattooed twunt.
As she clearly has appalling taste, who would we choose for her, to guarantee us perfect grandchildren? Well, I’ve had my eye on the Beckham boys from the outset. They’ll have the looks and the work ethic and Brooklyn is just the right age, at three years older, but only 13 now, he’s still forming.
So after studying the form (watching pop videos on Youtube), here’s who I’d choose now, already of breeding age.
All of The Wanted
The entire reason boy bands are so appealing is that the whole is so much greater than the sum of the parts. It was years before Take That separated in my head from one blob of madly attractive testosterone into the Short One, the Thick One, the Smug One, the Real Genius and the Actual Love God.
I’m not at that stage with The Wanted yet, but after repeated watches of the video for Lightning (really worth a look – it will take you very hormonally back to the snogging years…) I would choose Max, the one with the shaven head.
He’s from Manchester, so northern, which is a big plus to me and he looks like a mix of a young Robbie Williams (cf the Real Genius, above) and Puck, from Glee, see below.
Another boy band, so all of the above applies, except that studying their website confirmed what I suspected from their recent appearance on X Factor: every one of these charming chappies is better looking than all of Take That, Blue, The Wanted, JLS, Boyzone etc etc put together.
One Direction – or One Erection as a middle-aged male friend memorably re-named them (bitter) – really are an exceptionally pretty selection box. The teens seem to favour Harry, by a long margin, but I rather like the look of sleepy-eye Liam, but then I was always fiercely torn between Mickey Dolenz and Davy Jones.
And by the way, no one in a boy band is allowed a surname until they’re 25 and have been in re-hab at least once.
So I’m looking forward to being on the side of the stage, holding the baby (equipped with sound cancelling headphones a la Apple Martin-Paltrow), when they re-form and play Wembley in 2031.
Puck from Glee
Not the sappy actor, the actual character, with the mohawk. He’s built, he’s bad, he’s dark – but he’s got a sensitive side. He can play the guitar and he’s Jewish. Tick, tick, tickety, tick. Only problem is that his mother-in-law might be caught trying to get glimpses of him naked through the crack in the bathroom door which would be embarrassing all round. Next.
Putting aside the fact that he sounds like a brand of West Country glue, this excellent young Canadian actor, who plays the brilliantly appalling older brother in the Wimpy Kid films, is also very amusing on Twitter.
I love a young man who is clearly delighted to wear eyeliner and he has the sexiest mouth since the front man of Showaddywaddy. What?
Most importantly, when me and Peggy posted a picture of her reading a Wimpy Kid book walking along the street (in fashionable Shoreditch, which added to our edge…) on his Facebook page – HE REPLIED. So they are practically engaged already.
I also very much like the look of his parents. His casting director mother is responsible for a hilarious series of online short films about how not to get a part called The Casting Room. So with an assured GSOH added to the rest of the package, you have my runaway favourite. He will have to change his name, though.
Here he is featuring in one of his mum’s filmettes.