So I have carefully examined the Dead Sea Scrolls (UK Vogue and Grazia) and come to this conclusion about the next fashion season we are about to entre: it’s perfect for a period of financial restraint as there is absolutely nothing I want to buy.
That isn’t quite the same as there being nothing I like. If I had Natalia Vodianova’s figure and Gisele Bundchen’s skin there’d be a few things I’d want to buy. Most of them bright orange.
That is actually the one trend I can imagine myself referencing in real life (i.e. from a chain store). I think a bright orange towelling hoodie would be terrific fun for weekends. A jacket and pants not so much.
My stand out look of the whole season is this marvellous orange arrangement above by Alber Elbaz for Lanvin. It’s perfect. And if you looked like this model you probably would have somewhere to wear it, like a pool party at the Beckhams’ place. Or drinks on P Diddy’s yacht.
Among the ‘looks’ I wouldn’t be wearing even if I were five foot eleven, size six, caramel-skinned and a close personal friend of the Abramovichs, are the following:
It makes my eyes want to cry.
This makes at least four times in my adult life this terrible notion has been visited upon us. The first occurrence, I was 23 and old enough not to know better. I bought a neon lime green jumper. It was a mistake. (It was also 100% acrylic which didn’t help.) The only time this look has ever worked was at a rave in a field in 1990.
These make the models look wide. I don’t need any help with that. See also, Feathers.
Long dresses with flat shoes for daywear
This is what led to last summer’s terrible outbreak of long dresses in the city. So wrong. So dangerous on an escalator. Even if I weren’t the size and shape of a hobbit I wouldn’t want to wear a flowery moo moo on Regent’s Street. Or MacQuarie Street. Or Madison Avenue.
‘Peasant Revival’ UK Grazia called it. I think Helena Bonham-Carter is a better description.
Be they oversized tropicals or mimsy English garden borders, I feel this idea has been around for the last five seasons. And it didn’t suit me for any of them.
Frilly frou frou
I can’t bear this. UK readers will be familiar with the Marks & Spencer range called Per Una, which is aimed at the painfully feminine middle-aged woman. Everything has a flipping frill on it. I want to torch the racks every time I pass them. It’s for women who like frosted lippie and nail varnish. And wear skin tone tights with sandals. And panty pads.
Apart from the previously discussed orange these are three trends I can see the point of:
Urban sportswearI loved it when Miuccia Prada first had the idea to incorporate high tech fabrics and ergonomic sportswear details into chic clothes, nearly twenty years ago (gulp, can’t believe it’s that long since I bought my first designer trainers…) and I love it now. It’s flattering, it’s practical, it has a nice narrow cut, you can stuff it in a suitcase.
Dress up white
This is one of those rare things in fashion – a new idea. I like the idea of a white dress for formal, not just for strolling along the Croisette. A bit like a First Communion outfit for a grown up, in the hands of Dolce & Gabbana, it looks sexy not creepy . Of course white can be very unflattering and it’s a magnet for tomato sauces and you could look like a tragic Miss Havisham, but I still like the idea.